The Wenis Files' Journal

10:30PM

Yo, shitz.

I am finally going to see my doctor about the unholiest of unholies, *MIGRAINES*. I had a hum-shitter of one which rendered me bedridden all effin day yesterday, and feeling hung over and as though my eyesockets had been tenderized with a ballpeen hammer today.

Maybe an Imitrex prescription is in my future, or something like it.

Husband is sick today, with some sort of throat/cold/sinus thing. I wrapped him in blankets and left him on the couch with the remote. He is watching HGTV, sipping a Moosehead (which he SWEARS cures colds. ahem) and covered in cats and dogs. I also gave him my orange Paul Frank sock monkey for good luck. I think this is the best form of treatment one could possibly ask for, IMHO.

I've decided that despite my being utterly spoiled on salon hair products, (my poor overprocessed hair NEEDS the extra help) that some of the Garnier Fructis styling products are more fun than a barrel of monkeys, AND smell fanfuckingtastic. That "Surf Hair" is WAY FUN.

(end consumerist rant)

(begin gluttonous booze/food rant)

I found a recipe in a travel magazine for a Pineapple, Lychee, and Mint Daiquiri. A luscious photo accompanied said drink recipe. After a brief orgasm, I decided this looked too damn good to not share with the rest of the world.

4 mint leaves
1 & 1/2 oz white rum
1/2 cup diced fresh pineapple
4 lychees, peeled and seeded
1/2 oz pineapple juice
1/2 oz lime juice
1/2 oz sugar syrup
1 cup crushed ice
mint sprig

Place everything but the crushed ice, pineapple leaves, and mint sprig in a blender. Add crushed ice slowly, and blend until the mixture is the consistency of shaved ice. Pour into a chilled cocktail glass and garnish with pineapple leaves and a sprig of mint.

SUH-WEET.

I think this would go quite nicely with eggplant, tofu, mushroom, and bell pepper skewers, marinated with garlic, olive oil and sea salt and cooked on the outdoor grill.

Summer must be coming. I am obsessing over grilled lovelies and pretty booze.

I LOVE THE PRETTY BOOZE.

(8 got donkey-punched | tell turd ferguson how you feel)

1:58PM - This is some FUNNY SHIT.

I discovered a hysterical blast from the past while cleaning up some old files on my computer today.

What was I thinking?

A few years back, one of the ASS-ignments in my English 1A class was to write a "rejection letter" to a person who had submitted a column to "my magazine."

I decided if I had a magazine, it would be about SHIT.

Here is the "rejection letter" I actually turned in, from "CODE BROWN" magazine.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aline ****
Editor-in-Chief
Code Brown
6565 Colostomy Blvd.
Boweltown, ND 80808

Ben Sargent
1234 Ayness Way
Rough and Ready, CA 96666

October 22, 2001

Dear Mr. Sargent,

Many thanks for your fine submission to Code Brown magazine. I regret to inform you, however, that we are unable to make use of your submission at this time. Before you delve into suicidal ideation, allow me to explain the reasons behind my rejection.

First off, you are just too freekin' witty for the likes of Code Brown. This is a serious publication, aimed at alerting people to the dangers of being caught unawares in the face of an emergency, (such as the unforeseen rupture of a colostomy bag, and the subsequent injuries possibly sustained by someone who has slipped and fallen in the contents of the aforementioned "treat bag.")

Lives are at stake here, and you send me satire.

In addition to the unsuitability of the subject matter, I cannot in good conscience publish a work so fraught with grammatical errors, spelling atrocities, dangling participles, (uh-huh-huh-huh, I said "dangling") and by far, the most severe literary felony EVER, (at least as far as Code Brown is concerned,) under-usage of the COLON.


Try again when you get your shit together.

Laxatively yours,


Aline ****
Editor in Chief


P.S. Actually, Mr. Sargent, despite the fact that I had no choice but to reject your submission, this was an entertaining essay which I thoroughly enjoyed reading--ON THE CRAPPER!!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(I got an A on this one, BTW.)

Current mood: amused

(8 got donkey-punched | tell turd ferguson how you feel)

9:56PM

I trust you've all heard of SorryEverybody.com

(If not, it's a website where people can post their picture with a message apologizing to the world for the re-selection of the chimp.)

Well, guess who, (and her dog) showed up on the site?

Jupiter in mourning.

Current mood: accomplished

(4 got donkey-punched | tell turd ferguson how you feel)

4:42PM - You've got mail!

Tee-hee.

(tell turd ferguson how you feel)

11:19PM - Boi-oi-oi-oing

My new icon gives me a total twig. Thank you, jkb!

Current mood: quixotic

(2 got donkey-punched | tell turd ferguson how you feel)

4:13PM - PLEASE HELP!!

I don't give a flying farkas whether you like Kerry or not at this point, this isn't about him. It's about protecting our democracy and right to fair elections.

I'm sure some of you know that the 2004 election has been under close legal scrutiny, with recounts underway in Ohio, and pending in New Mexico.

Rep. John Conyers feels he needs a million e-mails to compel the House Judiciary Committee to hold hearings about the 2004 election. I appeal to [you to] ... spread this message among your list of Democracy supporting friends and associates. Go here:

http://www.house.gov/judiciary_democrats/contact.html

and tell the Judiciary Committee you want hearings on Ohio!

Sample letter:

To the House Judiciary Committee:
I am writing to urge the House Judiciary Committee to hold hearings as soon as possible on the irregularities of the 2004 election. I need not remind the Judiciary Committee members that the Unites States is a beacon of democracy for the rest of the world. If we truly wish to remain the embodiment of democratic values, then we must treat the right of every citizen to vote and for their vote to count as sacred.

Ample evidence has arisen that this right was violated or undermined for many Americans in the 2004 election. I strongly believe that holding hearings to investigate and resolve these irregularities would be an act of tremendous patriotism on the part of Congress, and would serve as a declaration that we are the world's greatest democracy not only in word, but in deed.


Thank you,
{your name}
****************************************************************************************************

What do I mean by "ample evidence?"

http://joeorgren.com/MossvBush1.pdf
http://joeorgren.com/MossvBush2.pdf



The official Petition and Injunction to contest the election results in Ohio. Long winded legalese, but print it out and take it to the crapper, because when you are done reading it, you're going to shit.

Forward to anyone and everyone you know who gives a hoot about our country.
it takes only a minute to fire off an email to the judiciary committee. Let's hit 1,000,000. This is OUR mandate.

****************************************************************************************************
*To my apolitical friends, please bear with me. I will be back with my bathroom humor in no time.

Current mood: determined

(2 got donkey-punched | tell turd ferguson how you feel)

10:41PM - Shit news

Well, I had hoped to be able to make it down to the S.F. area this weekend, but it looks as if I am going to be too effin' busy to do it.

Which blows.

I am still planning a visit on Jan 30th for the Scissor Sisters show at the Warfield.

This will NOT be cancelled.

Current mood: sad

(tell turd ferguson how you feel)

4:15AM - You're still my president.

Happy Birthday to you, John Kerry.

*sigh*

(2 got donkey-punched | tell turd ferguson how you feel)

2:59AM - I usually score "total asshole" on most quizzes...

(2 got donkey-punched | tell turd ferguson how you feel)

8:09PM - Dipping my toe in the water...

I am making an attempt at creeping out of the woodwork.
I still feel foul, lethargic, and bloated.
I have been rather immobile since my foot surgery, and have been subsisting on large amounts of post-election, nutritionally void "comfort food".
I have never looked worse.

However...

I am making an attempt to regain my sanity - well, what little I once had. I want to start moving around again and eating reasonably well. (Stopping a steady diet of junk food is more of a "weaning process" than a cold turkey sort of thing.)

I also plan to start trying to look halfway decent pretty soon too.
If I have anything left to work with.

I have another birthday coming on Sunday.

WRETCH.

I need to get older like I need a hole in the head.

Hmm...I am spreading the love ALL around today aren't I?

Maybe I am not ready to come out and play yet.

Some things to look forward to:
Weekend off 12/17 - out of town trip?
Scissor Sisters concert in San Francisco 1/30 - that will KICK ASS.
Anyone?

Current mood: apathetic

(13 got donkey-punched | tell turd ferguson how you feel)

1:51AM - ALSO:

I got a letter to the editor published in my local newspaper. They butchered the shit out of it, and half of it is gone, but still...you get the point. My original version was much better.... :-)

Voter intimidation is un-American

I just finished reading Doni Greenberg's column about the theft of Helene Stovall's Kerry/Edwards lawn signs. I find this sort of cowardice and thievery on the part of the vandals utterly contemptuous and sickening. I have heard of such stories of voter intimidation happening all over the nation. This sort of malicious behavior should not be tolerated.

I commend you for writing the article that you did. I believe more needs to be done to address and combat these sorts of attacks. Regardless of political party, everyone has a right to vote for the candidate of his or her choice. Democracy is the American way. And everyone should be able to do so without fear of intimidation. To attempt to bully, harass, intimidate or coerce anyone into not voting is un-American, and smacks of fascism or dictatorship. To attempt to undermine the right to vote is to attempt to undermine the foundation of our great nation. The people perpetuating these attacks should be brought to task.

What exactly do these sign thieves, vandals, and menacing people want -- for us all to vote for the same candidate? Then perhaps they should relocate to a nation where no one has a choice.

I was raised to respect the law, and the law dictates we all have the right to vote for whomever we please.

Aline *****

(tell turd ferguson how you feel)

1:29AM - Hi, All!

Hello, again. I realize I haven't posted in a good long while. I have been recovering from a minor but pretty uncomfortable foot surgery, plus have been a wee bit depressed, as well as distracted with things I really don't want to bug you guys with...should resolve soon enough. I am still alive and begging you not to unfriend me, due to LJ lethargy. I will be more communicative soon enough...just a bit overwhelmed right now.

Current mood: tired

(5 got donkey-punched | tell turd ferguson how you feel)

9:01PM - Coming soon to a theater near you!

OMFG GO SEE THIS

Current mood: excited

(2 got donkey-punched | tell turd ferguson how you feel)

10:15PM - OMFG!

I was recently posting on the John Kerry official site blog, and the newest thread was posted by Elizabeth Edwards, wife of John Edwards, VP candidate...

She is a fairly regular poster to this site, keeping the fan base updated with the goings on on the road.

I logged on, and went to the latest thread where I stated that IMO, Elizabeth Edwards had handled a particularly nasty interviewer with a hell of a lot of class recently...

AND SHE CAME ON AND RESPONDED TO ME PERSONALLY:

Thanks,[my blogger I.D.]I think the reporter was looking for amusing, not trying to be dismissive, but then, hey, we're the optimists, so we always look on the bright side. ;>)

Posted by Elizabeth Edwards at September 7, 2004 01:00 AM

I have just peed a little bit in my pants.

Current mood: enthralled

(2 got donkey-punched | tell turd ferguson how you feel)

4:42PM - Huzzzah!

Friends and fellow LJers, :

I am going away for the weekend, but will leave you with this to suckle....

I have been inspired as of late, to craft some poetic musical offerings for our fine, fine team of JK and JE. Gimme a beat box, and shake your rumpuses, for the little white girl from CALI has written a RAP.

Please, feel free to throw your hands in the air and wave em' like you just don't care.

ROCKIN THE MIC IN 2004...

He's the real John-Zilla
The serial thrilla
Rocks the high-end Guinness
While the Bushies chug Miller

He'll bring the bling to your door in 2004
He'll slide into the White House
and show Shrubbie the door

More grit than John Wayne
More Trix than a rabbit
He's got his VEEP John Edwards,
BUT NO COKE HABIT

He rocked the boat in 'Nam
He rocks the mic right here
He rocks like he talks it
So lets give him eight years

Mowin' down the GOP like an AK-47
While the Bushies swill beer in front of 7-11
Justice never sleeps, and neither do we
Just remember in November it's JK and JE

Phat in a suit, bad ass on a bike
rides a big black Harley while he's rockin the mic
(YUM)
How does he do it? I'm tellin ya how
Rocks a big bad HOG while Bush rides a cow

He'll eat the GOP for an 11/2 meal,
While the fellas day "DAMN"
and the girlies just *squeal*

That's all ya gotta know,
to the ballot box ya go
vote for John Kerry
or yer Mama's a HO.

I'm out, y'all.

(Any record companies interested in my rhyming talents please feel free to contact me.)

(6 got donkey-punched | tell turd ferguson how you feel)

2:57PM - Good news...

A beautiful, uplifting letter from an Indiana University professor:

Update on my 200 students at a large midwest University. Today, as I was attempting to teach them how the media tends to polarize issues, I asked them to tell me several words that characterize each candidate. The first things they said for Kerry were 1)courageous, and 2)hesitant. I said "you mean he flip-flops?". Someone called out, "That just means he thinks before he acts! He's thoughtful!" Another person yelled out. "He's really smart."

Then I asked them about Bush. I swear to you, the first two things were 1)idiot (many people called this out), and 2)coward. I then said, "Ok, give me a positive you would use to describe Bush. You know there are some." It was deadly silent in there. Finally, a girl raised her hand and said, "It's a positive that he'll be gone in a few months." The room erupted with laughter and even some cheers. I'm telling you, I did not egg this on. This was these kids speaking their minds. I even tried to suggest that they knew some of the positive things associated with Bush. I told them, "You would all admit that he has been characterized by the press as a strong and decisive leader wouldn't you?" There were some head nods and some snickers.

I couldn't help but feel encouraged by this. I really try to stay non-partisan and these students in previous years have been pretty much split 50/50. You can't help but feel feel encouraged by their responses in these discussions. I'm in a red state in which the parents of most of these kids are going to vote Bush. The reaction of these students, coupled with the fact that 90-95% of them say they are registered to vote is so uplifting. I guess the youth of America has taken notice. They don't want to fight in wars of choice, and they want jobs.


How 'bout those Hoosiers?

Current mood: optimistic

(6 got donkey-punched | tell turd ferguson how you feel)

12:42PM - CLEAR!!! "Administer shock now."

Dick "GO FUCK YOURSELF" Cheney's Speech, at the RNC:

Paraphrased, in a nutshell, and ribbed for your pleasure.

John Kerry is a spineless Massachusetts liberal, with nothing going for him but really good hair and a grotesquely over sized member. As president, he would raise taxes on farms, families, kittens, babies, and rainbows. He wants to send our boys into combat barefoot, with sticks, clad only in cashmere. Also, he puts razors in Halloween candy. He adopted a homeless puppy in Vietnam, then ate it. He also eats his boogers. John Kerry wets the bed. Where are my nitroglycerin pills?

Kerry '04 - BECAUSE SIZE MATTERS.

(4 got donkey-punched | tell turd ferguson how you feel)

4:41AM

I have decided that in order to properly show my most disciplined support for this campaign, and to represent what John Kerry truly means to me, I will, from now until November 3rd, be on a strict "cleansing diet" of only foot-long hot dogs and Guinness beer.

Just the meat. And the stout.

UNF.

Current mood: hungry

Current music: The beat, beat, beat of my patriotic heart.

(7 got donkey-punched | tell turd ferguson how you feel)

2:35AM - A slug's life...

Sheeyit.

I have been working about 934985039483504 hours/days a week lately, and have been suffering from mad insomnia. The shit sucks. I have become this odd little nocturnal creature that sits transfixed in front of some sort of electronic media until the wee hours of the morning. At daybreak, I'll slither into bed in a sleeping mask so as to keep the rays out, then I'll sleep until mid-afternoon. Upon awakening...it's off to work for the swing shift. A vicious cycle.

My eating habits have been weird too. All tense-ey-stressy, and icky with the food. I really just feel all out of sorts. Pasty, Hidey. Hermity. Scaredy.

Things are bothering me. People would say "You shouldn't let it bother you."

Hrm. yeah. You know, I hate that crap. It's not really like I "let it."

It just DOES.

Current mood: tired

Current music: Three's Company - Theme song...

(3 got donkey-punched | tell turd ferguson how you feel)

1:02AM

Please help the Rachie. For those of you that know her, this will be no problem. For those that don't, she rules, and is well worth it. Thank you! Here is her story. Pass the word. We must beat this madness:

I've created a "lovemark" for Kerry on the lovemarks website, and sent a link to all of my friends... I went to go look at how it was doing, and I was dismayed to learn that a bunch of nasty Bushies had gone to my page and voted "lose it" on it...YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. Anyway, it's nothing that will directly affect the election, but it's a fun website where you can nominate things that inspire you. I, of course, nominated John Kerry!!!!!!
So, for those of you who are fellow Kerry supporters, please consider taking a moment to SUPPORT OUR MAN. Here is the link:
http://www.lovemarks.com/lm/read.php?LID=2260#Scene_1

Go to the lower left of the screen under Kerry's pic and vote "love it!!" You can also leave favorable comments about our guy. A lot of people from all over the world see this site. Thank you again. If there is anything I can do to help any of you, like participate in a poll or visit your website, etc, let me know.
I LOVE YOU MAN!!

Current mood: optimistic

(tell turd ferguson how you feel)